So I went to the new Target store up in East Harlem this weekend. It was not an excuse to go to Patsy’s Pizza. No, certainly not.
The scene on East 117th Street; note the fee shuttle bus, but no info was available.
I used to hit the local Target when I lived in Laguna Beach. That was back in my Cali Boom-Boom Cali days. And, yes, I did just say Cali Boom-Boom Cali. I can say the line because I did the time.
But I digress. Back to this rose in Spanish Harlem. Not only do they have the newly opened Target, but they’ve also got a Best Buy, Bob’s Discount Furniture (because furniture is something you definitely want to skimp on), Costco, Game Stop, Kidstown (and, no, it’s not a co-ed version of Boystown), Marshalls, Old Navy, and Verizon Wireless. All just two blocks from Patsy’s. Not that I went there, of course. And certainly twice, before and after. It’s not like that. I swear.
For those of you who live in UpYor, Target and these other stores are an easy trek. The scenic route is walking along the river and either crossing over into Thomas Jefferson Park at 111th Street (six blocks south of where you want to be) or continuing on to cross over the FDR at 120th Street, which brings you in three blocks to the north. And where you want to be is 117th Street and the river, just east of Pleasant Ave. And it is indeed pleasant. That section of SpaHa has become quite gentrified.
The world's saddest Starbuck's - inside Target.
You can’t miss the place, though, as you’ll see an ant trail of people schlepping everything you can imagine home with them. The one thing I can’t imagine is how any of them have room in their Manhattan & Harlem homes for all that stuff.
Costco is on the ground level, and that requires a membership and the need to consume bulk quantities of every item. So, unless you have a family or are supplying a small army, it’s probably not for you.
Which means you need to head upstairs. And there are three ways to get there. Most people flock to the north side of the street, where the stores are, and crowd onto that one elevator. The smarter kids use the multiple elevators located just across the street in the parking garage. Of course those involve the ability to grasp the concept of dual-door elevators, which clearly not everyone can handle.
The easiest way is to just ride the escalators. But it seems that most people who come to these stores bring at least one wheeled accessories. That could be an electronic wheelchair (I’ve never seen so many in one place) or a child’s scooter. It could be a wheeled cart to carry items, or it could be a bike (so your child could ride in the aisles in Target, as some parents felt was perfectly permissible).
My toilet paper purchases are no longer dictated by the needs of my bowels, but rather the amount of storage space in my apartment.
I began my adventure in Best Buy. Now, I must confess that I’m a J&R guy. As my friend Adam pointed out (and he’s the man when it comes to consumer electronics), the guys and J&R don’t sell on commission, so they’re not necessarily pushing whatever make and model will give them the best bang for the buck. But I do enjoy the relatively cleanliness and order of a Best Buy – again, a throwback to my Cali days. And even though we’ve got a Best Buy much closer, right ont he corner of 86th & Lex, I had to stop in and see what they’ve got.
And that was a good thing. Because, unlike the one on 86th & Lex, this was a proper Best Buy. They had everything, and plenty of room to find it. Best of all where the salespeople. They actually approached me to see if I had any questions. I once removed the gallbladder from small boy in the personal computer section of the Best Buy on 86 & Lex and no one said a word to me. Forget about finding someone to help you, let alone answer any of your questions there. The Best Buy was a big hit.
Then I went back down to Target, to see what I could see. I actually had a shopping list for Target. There were a handful of items I needed – mostly housewares, since I am doing more cooking these days. the first thing you see when you walk in is the world’s saddest Starbucks. It’s actually been paired with a Pizza Hut Express, as if large volumes of coffee weren’t sufficient to promptly evacuate your bowels. But the thing is that the Starbucks looked more like a Pizza Hut Express, one of those in-store eateries that caters to those too lazy to actually go to eat somewhere before or after shopping (or, as clearly wasn’t the case with me and Patsy’s, both before and after shopping).
Target offers essentials, like this AC/DC Collector's Set of pint glasses.
The next thing you notice are the carts. Big, red, plastic shopping carts that look like they’ll be the last traces of civilization that survive the apocalypse. These things will outlast any landfill.
But, boy, can they move. The only catch is that there’s no room. Forget any functional traffic patterns. People wander the wider main aisles in both directions, turning and stopping at will. And forget the smaller side aisles. There’s barely enough room for carts to pass one another, let alone when you’ve got some idiot parked in the middle.
And it doesn’t help that Target shoppers are notoriously bad parents. I’m sure they observe some rules at home, but that store appears to be a free zone where kids can do whatever the fuck they want. Being the second weekend it was open, the place was packed. Yet I saw a father letting his son ride a bike through the aisles with him. I assume he was eventually going to the purchase the bike for his son, as it still had the sticker on it. But assholes like that might think it’s OK to borrow the thing so his kid doesn’t have to walk.
The urban mall along the Harlem River.
After purchasing what I needed (and some of what I didn’t), I checked out with a total of 10 items for $66 and change. Some food, some toiletries, and some housewares. I knew Target planned to cater to New York’s ethnic communities, but I was still happily surprised to see things like Ting soda from Jamaica and Jumex juices from Mexico.
But I was still happy to get the hell out of there – out to the little shopping plaza overlooking the Harlem River in a haze of cheap cigarette smoke choked by a cloud of even cheaper cologne. I was happy to get what I needed, at a fair price (for a change). But I couldn’t help but think, as I negotiated the aisles of Target, that finally someone had dedicated a store to the needs of teen pregnancy. Everything was cheap and easy, which is typically how you end up there. It’s not what you want, but it’s likely the best you can afford.
It wasn’t until I was on my way home, humping a backpack full of booty along the East River, that I realized why I really enjoyed going to Target so much in Southern California. It wasn’t the store, or the shopping experience. It was because it gave me an excuse to get in my BMW Z3 convertible and drive. But isn’t that always the case in life? It’s not the destination that matters, but rather the journey.
It's the journey, not the destination; my Z3 at White Sands.
