Halliburton to Blame for BP Oil Well Catastrophe?

Posted on October 29, 2010 by

Sometimes I wish I believed in conspiracy theories. This one is a gem. It turns out that one of the reasons for the BP gulf oil spill, the largest offshore oil spill in US history, was faulty cement used to seal the well. And who made that cement?

Big Dick

Halliburton. The company Dick Cheney was the Chairman and CEO of until George W. Bush tapped him as a VP candidate in 2000. Then Cheney walked away with a $36 million severance package.

Some say Cheney earned that job with Halliburton. After all, following the first Iraq War, when he was still the Secretary of Defense, he gave the Halliburton subsidiary KBR $8.5 million to study the use of private military forces to support US soldiers in a combat zone. That’s a lot of taxpayer dollars to study something.

Two years after leaving his post at the Pentagon, Cheney was named the Chairman and CEO of Halliburton, KBR’s parent company. And within three years of getting back in the administration, this time as Vice President, he was awarding KBR lucrative contracts to support US soldiers in combat (during which KBR used off-shore shell companies to avoid paying hundreds of millions in taxes back to the government) – not to mention awarding huge contracts to Halliburton to supply US forces with fuel and rebuild oil wells destroyed in the war. I guess he earned that $36 million severance package.

Both Halliburton and KBR have been investigated for overcharging the government as part of these Iraq War contracts, with the whistleblowers either dismissed or demoted for questioning the contracts and demanding audits. The beauty of all this is that most of the people who voted for the Bush/Cheney style of leadership (and the trillion-dollar deficit they burdened American taxpayers with) are now avid “tea party” supporters crying about how wasteful their government is. Yet they never made a peep while Bush/Cheney were in power, spending tax dollars recklessly – often, it seems, with old friends. Run up the bill and leave the next guy with the check. Classic.

And many of those same people would likely argue that the appearance of purchasing political favor doesn’t prove that it actually happened. This is true. Again, anyone in a position to connect the dots was fired or demoted to a position where they could no longer make such challenges. But that only works when you control both sides of the deal – when the company has “friends” inside the White House and Pentagon. When these companies don’t have friends in high places, things don’t always work out so well.

In 2009, KBR was charged with paying millions of dollars in bribes to win a $7 billion plus contract with the Nigerian government. KBR was found guilty, but Halliburton stepped in to pay the $420 million penalty. Some of the bribes were made while Cheney was still running Halliburton, and his CEO of KBR has since been sentenced to serve seven years in prison. An isolated incident, or just the one where they couldn’t duck the charges?

Halliburton Trying To Cap Own Damages
Speaking of trying to duck the charges, in the 2010 oil catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico, Halliburton was responsible for providing the cement used to cap the well. The mix they used failed during testing. They did two more tests, both of which showed the cement would fail. And then they did a fourth test which miraculously found that it would work.

Now that the failed tests have come to light, Halliburton is claiming they altered the mix of the cement they ultimately used, so they can’t be blamed for using faulty cement. This presents a different problem, because the assertion means that they used a cement that they failed to test. Still negligent, but to a lesser degree – possibly saving themselves a few million in penalties (millions which could be used to compensate for the cost of the clean-up, as opposed to having to tap the American taxpayer) down the road.

It should be noted that this wasn’t the first time Halliburton took a swing at Mother Earth. In 2002, one of their facilities in Texas was found to have been emitting toxic chemicals. Four years later, a plant in New Mexico emitted a toxic cloud that forced local residents to flee their homes.

And then, of course, there are the “burn pits” KBR has been using to dispose of unsavoury things at US military bases where it has contracts in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Rather than disposing of waste properly, as they would be required to at US bases on American soil (or in any nation that had a functioning government), they have been burning it in open fire pits and subjecting soldiers and neighboring civilians to the smoke and fumes. What exactly have they been burning? Asbestos, batteries, hazardous waste, medical waste, paints and solvents, PVC and other petro-chemical products, and tires – not to mention both human corpses and animal carcasses. Nearly two dozen federal lawsuits have been filed. Which is nice – your tax dollars are paying lawyers to fight negligence by contractors your tax dollars hired.

In all fairness, it should be noted that this stuff works on both sides of the aisle. LBJ received large donations from Brown & Root (the BR in KBR) for his senate campaign after awarding them a lucrative dam project, which led to lucrative military contracts once he was in the Oval Office. After 44 years of being awarded non-competitive contracts by Washington cronies, Halliburton finally sold its KBR subsidiary. Both companies continue to receive lucrative no-bid contracts from the Pentagon, Department of Homeland Security, and other federal organizations.

Cup of tea, anyone? Or do you prefer oil?

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This Little Piggy Went To Heaven

Posted on October 25, 2010 by

This Little Piggy Had Roast Beef in the East Village.

This Little Piggy Had Roast Beef is a strange name for a strange place. A strange, wonderful, glorious place.

Owned by the same folks who brought us Artichoke and Led Zeppole, This Little Piggy Had Roast Beef is really nothing more than a storefront, on the west side of First Avenue, just north of 9th Street. To call it a restaurant would be misleading, because it can only accommodate a handful of diners, and you have to eat standing up. Which is fine, since the food goes down quickly, and tastes so wonderful that you forget your surroundings, except for the big band music playing in the background.

The dark wood of the walls in the dining area are covered with dollar bills, autographed by patrons. That, along with paper towels for napkins (and you’ll need them), are about the only kitschy elements to the place. The ambience, like the menu, is simple and comfortable. The set-up is similar to Papaya King, only easy on the senses.

Of course I don’t consider the big band soundtrack to be kitschy because I’m rather fond of that genre. It reminds me of the big band TGIF parties we used to have back in college. Maybe I’m just sentimental, but there seems to be something genuine about being four beers in at four in the afternoon, listening to Pennsylvania 6-5000 and the Bugle Call Rag on the front porch.

This Way - sans Cheez Whiz - and fries.

But I digress. This Little Piggy. The place is heaven, on a roll. You basically have four options here. “This Way” is roast beef, bathed in au jus and topped with Cheez Whiz, served on a round bun. “That Way” is roast beef, topped with gravy and mozzarella cheese, on a hero roll.

I have yet to decide whether I prefer it This Way or That Way, so I’ve been alternating between the two. That Way is a meal unto itself. But when I go This Way (without the Cheez Whiz, because that shit ain’t right), I typically order the hand-cut fries. Otherwise, I’d end up ordering a second This Way – and then I’d truly be this little piggy.

I should note that these are beastly fries. Styled after steak fries, they are more like porterhouse-for-two fries. And they are fried in some sort of batter that ensures they are crunchy on the outside, soft in the middle, and will burn the crap out of your tastebuds. But no worries – after tasting the sandwiches you really won’t need those tastebuds again, since you aren’t going to find anything quite as captivating.

You can also get “The Other Thing,” which is pastrami on rye with coleslaw and spicy brown mustard. I don’t swing that way, but I’ve seen people line up for it. And then there’s “Something Else,” which is roast beef on a hero with Cheez Whiz, fresh mozzarella, gravy,
and au jus plus the fries. Basically it’s This Way and That Way – everything but The Other Thing.

That Way - roast beef topped with mozzarella and gravy.

In case you are worried what my cardiologist might say, the beef is Angus top round – fitting in perfectly with my caveman diet. We just won’t talk about the au jus, gravy, cheese, bread, or fries. And, frankly, they’re so generous with the meat that I think it’s a fair trade.

Perhaps I should be worried, though. Ever since I discovered this place, I have been finding ways to go there almost weekly. When my friends say they want to go out on the Upper East Side, I say “no problem – let’s meat in the East Village.” I can always find a way to find my way there.

And I’m not the only one macking on this meat. This Little Piggy is such a foodie darling that I once escaped the place just as a food tour of two-dozen feeders showed up. Of course they couldn’t all fit inside, but I was glad to have gotten my order in and feasted on my beast before their arrival. If I couldn’t get my roast beef, this little piggy would go crazy.

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MMMMMMMMMMotorino

Posted on October 10, 2010 by

Motorino in the East Village.

Motorino was a tough nut to crack. Located on 12th Street near First Avenue, the East Village outpost of this Brooklyn pizzeria is way too small for its reputation. And I’m not big on waiting in lines, especially in a neighborhood teeming with good food.

But I finally made it. And it was sooo worth it.

The pizza is like a slightly thicker version of Patsy’s. And I mean the real Patsy’s, on First Ave and 118th Street. The only flaw is that the cheese is so fresh that it makes the sauce a little runny, which means you are liable to take off most of the toppings with that first bite. But no worries, as the crust is fantastic.

An impressive beer selection and attentive service make this a wonderful little spot. Only it’s a shame that it’s so little.

Motorino's margherita, sans basil.

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New Sex Study Proves To Be A Tease

Posted on October 4, 2010 by

Boing! Indiana University’s Center for Sexual Health Promotion (is it too late to change my major?) released the most comprehensive survey of American sexuality since the true emergence of the Internet, including online dating, social networking, and porn of every imaginable variety. I was titillated by the prospect, given that I’ve often worried what impact the Internet will have on the sexual development of future generations.  

For example, when I turned 15, as a sophomore in high school, my friends and I were all sexually active and eager. But while “fingering” was a big deal back then, today’s 15 year-olds may already be engaging in “fisting.” I didn’t even know what that was until Al Gore invented the Internet (maybe Al Gore invented fisting as well?). And that Internet offers exposure to such a robust collection of sexual adventures that kids, whose sexual inexperience may shelter them from traditional boundaries, might assume that their first sexual encounter can – and should – feature the sort of pageantry one would find in a five-minute video clip of Sasha Grey, three former college basketball players, and a warm grapefruit. Not that there is anything wrong with that…well, except for the grapefruit.  

Church & Dwight Co., manufacturers of Trojan condoms, funded the study. (source: condoms.co.uk)

Unfortunately none of the summaries available featured data that one would consider surprising. For example, the study found that younger men are more likely to wear condoms than older men. Duh, older men tend to be more monogamous. And that men tend to think that women have more orgasms than women admit having. Duh, they’ve been joking about that since the vaudeville days. And, yes, I’m saying “duh” to science. 

While there seems to have been plenty of questions about condom use (Trojan funded the thing), I am not seeing a lot about the impact of the Internet on sexual behavior. For example, where do you get information on sex? Have you attempted to engage in sexual behavior that you’ve witnessed online? Has online sexual content changed your perceptions or interests in any way? What about things like the use of prescription medication to enhance sex? And what the hell are you talking about with that grapefruit? Deviant minds want to know!  

If you are interested in exploring the findings for yourself (I was far too lazy…and ended surfing porn instead), you can find them in a special issue on The Journal of Sexual Medicine’s Web site. Or you can go to the Center for Sexual Health Promotion’s Web site for a good summary and a downloadable format that’s a little easier to, um, swallow.  

However, the advantage of visiting the The Journal of Sexual Medicine’s Web site is that you can find some other interesting stuff. For example, two of the hot babe sex researchers who authored that study also published an article entitled “Pubic Hair Removal among Women in the United States: Prevalence, Methods, and Characteristics.” This study found that, while there is indeed a wide range of pubic hair grooming practices among sexually active women in the United States, it is still more common for women to have some form hair down there. Furthermore (big science word), the Kojak is most common among women who are younger, in a relationship but not yet married, experienced cunnilingus in the past month, and have a more positive genital self-image. The latter two, incidentally, make me wonder if these are causes or affects. And, for the record, I’m not sure I have a genital self-image. But I am sure that I would like to shoot photos for their next article. 

To illustrate the numbing abundance of porn on the Internet, here’s what you can find on YouTube. It’s not even considered adult content. But take a moment to check out this clip of actress Sasha Grey on “The Joy of Enemas.” The best part is the theme song at the opening. Sure, she may have had a few drinks before recording this, but she appears to really know her shit (if you’ll pardon the pun).  

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INTELLIGENT ANIMALS: Dolphins Blow Bubbles

Posted on October 4, 2010 by

Bubble Rings (source: stumbleupon.com)

My friend Darryl forwarded the video clip below. The dolphins in this aquarium not only blow bubble rings out of their blowholes, but they then play with them – sticking their heads through the rings or twirling them like pretzels with their noses. 

At first only a few of the dolphins seemed capable of this behavior, but others appeared to have learned it from them. And they say that only the female dolphins exhibit this behavior (insert joke about blowing and/or holes here). 

The only other creature I’ve seen do this underwater was my old divemaster, and even he wasn’t as good as these mammals. In addition to learning and playing, dolphins have also demonstrated both altruism and cruelty as well as a propensity for recreational sex – all traits once believed to only be found among humans. 

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THE NON-EVENT: Shock & Awe TV

Posted on September 28, 2010 by

NBC's new series, The Event, is aimed at the average American moron. (source: infamouskidd.com)

The Event (and no, I’m not going to flip the second “e” because that’s as silly as this insipid fricken show) combines all the sappy plot lines of every modern disaster movie with the alien intrigue and government conspiracies that kept The X Files going. 

And you can twist the plot all you want – Inception being a fine example – but it still has to remain semi-plausible (Inception did not). The Event, is a case of sales-focused suits taking tried and true creative gimmicks and formulas, tossing them into a shallow pan, and baking for an hour. That doesn’t make up for an implausible plot. 

If some people broke into your house, shot your wife in front of you, and then kidnapped your daughter and granddaughter, would you fly a 747 loaded with innocent people, including your future son-in-law, into the building where you know the President of the United States is? Really? You’d trust the assmonkeys that shot your wife in cold blood, then demanded that you kill the President, yourself, and countless innocents on the plane and on the ground, to keep their word and release your daughter and granddaughter unharmed? And even if, for some preposterous reason, they’d keep their word to you, post-mortem, how do you think your daughter and granddaughter would feel about what you’ve done? Everyone they love is dead, and suddenly their last name is less popular than Madoff. 

I was so underwhelmed with The Event that I almost stayed tuned for the next premiere, Chase, a groundbreaking series about a female US marshal who hunts bad guys. Wow! You know what was a smart show? West Wing. It didn’t need all that malarkey that shows like Lost used, an endless parade of plot twists driven by the desire to trick viewers rather than tell a meaningful story. West Wing simply had interesting characters and sharp dialog. 

“Whatever you think you know about the event, think again.” That’s the promo for this show. It clearly strives to confuse the viewer and keep them guessing. This isn’t a drama. It’s a puzzle, where reality and the rules of logic have no place. Work in some aliens, and you are no longer constrained by the laws of nature either. Which makes for a rather meaningless puzzle, because there are no parameters. Next week, an army of giant epileptic polar bears could open up a tiki bar in a secret tunnel beneath Grand Central Station. No, don’t blame the writers. It’s your fault for not being able to see that one coming – a failure of imagination! 

Which gets to the heart of what The Event, and shows like it, are all about. The story is secondary (and the characters appear tertiary). The priority is getting you to tune in. It’s about sensationalism, creating that buzz that gets people talking at the water cooler the next day. Did you notice this? Did you figure that out yet? Well, I am going to tune in next week so I can be a part of the dialog. At least with sports there’s something real to talk about. This crap is nothing more than a vehicle to sell ad space. 

A new ad for Benetton? No, just casting being done by NBC's ad sales department. (source: ugo.com)

To be fair (a courtesy this show doesn’t extend to its viewers), I did tune in for the second episode, to make sure that I wasn’t underselling this catastrophe. And I wasn’t. Aliens diverted the plane to the desert southwest, which was a twist I genuinely didn’t expect. I assumed it would have landed on the aliens’ home planet, or maybe a remote island (wouldn’t that be novel!). 

And, of course, our dashing young hero (who we know, thanks to a random five-year flashback that came while he was running from the FBI in a hospital, was a computer science major and member of the MIT swim team, which is an easier way to inform us that he’s a smart and athletic than having to demonstrate those traits within the confines of the plot) is the only person to shepherd passengers off the plane. Everyone else is just filler. 

You can always tell a shit series by the concentration of dialog. It’s lazy writing, or perhaps just a lack of talent. Unless you are completely self-centered, life is an ensemble performance. Most good shows are as well. 

But the cheapest crutch that this show employs is a genuine lack of imagination. For all its sensationalism, the space aliens miraculously look exactly like us. Does that represent a complete lack of creativity, or just a lack of funding for the make-up department? 

Thirty seconds earlier…that’s one of the nifty gimmicks this show uses. Hey viewers, we jump around, just like they did in Reservoir Dogs (only it was fresh, and useful, then)! Aren’t we clever? Better keep up! 

What I didn’t tell you is that the show is really about aliens who crash-landed in Alaska in the 40s. But, as I said, they look just like humans, which is certainly convenient on many fronts. And the only thing strange about them is that they age more slowly than humans, which is helpful because watching a show with a bunch of old people is almost as bad as watching a show with a bunch of creepy looking aliens. 

Now wasn’t that flashback gimmick neat? I mentioned the space aliens, and then jumped back in time so you could truly understand what I was talking about. It’s a hell of a lot easier than having to put in the hard work to let the story unfold naturally. Man, I am so clever. I should have my own TV series, shouldn’t I? I think it will be about dysfunctional family of vampires who pose as police detectives so they can hunt aliens who have wormed their way into politics. That is until they stumble into a hidden tiki bar run by giant epileptic polar bears beneath Grand Central Station. I smell Emmy!

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THREE THINGS I LIKE: Pizza, Espresso, & Bars

Posted on September 24, 2010 by

San Matteo Pizza Espresso Bar

I like pizza. I like espresso. And I like bars. But a Pizza Espresso Bar? That doesn’t sound right. And I made plenty such remarks once the canopy for the San Matteo Pizza Espresso Bar went up on the corner of 90th & Second. 

There are a number of new places popping up in UpYor, the neo-groovy Upper East Side neighborhood bordered by 86th & 96th Streets between Lexington Avenue and the East River. And I’m not just talking about yet another Starbucks. We’ll start showcasing some of these new establishments as they open, along with some of the neighborhood’s classics and emerging hotspots. 

I stopped by the new San Matteo Pizza Espresso Bar for lunch the other day. It’s located in the space once occupied by Fresh Tortillas, one of those faux-mex mexican places. I was a regular Fresh Tortillas patron for years (takeout, of course…I do have standards). I knew the place was filthy, but the food was so good. And, despite the fact that the Asian couple who ran it were the most consistently miserable people I’ve ever encountered, I often found amusement when I ventured there. My favorite being the time when a heavy-set woman came in and got into a shouting match with them because they wouldn’t serve her Chinese food. Ah, happy times. 

A not so happy time was the last time I ordered from Fresh Tortillas, about a year ago. I had some steak nachos and spent the next 12 hours mimicking a double-ended fire hose. Now I know why your tub is right next to the toilet. I’d had food poisoning before, but this was another level entirely. If I wasn’t already single, I would have been after that night. 

Needless to say, I never went back to Fresh Tortillas. And they eventually went out of business, which gave me some degree of comfort. Of course I occasionally hit Taco Today on First between 86th & 87th. The menu is the same, but the place is a little cleaner (at least that’s what I tell myself) and the staff are a younger, happier group of Asians (in Southern California, Mexicans run the Chinese restaurants…go figure). 

An individual pie at the San Matteo Pizza Espresso Bar.

San Matteo Pizza Espresso Bar
Now keep in mind, these guys have only been open for about a week. Which explains the look of astonishment when I walked in and interrupted two of the proprietors doing some paperwork at a table. Maybe it’s because I have the physique of a guy who drives a delivery truck (ah, years of work have finally paid off), so they weren’t sure if I was ordering or delivering. But fortunately I am accustomed to getting strange looks when I enter an establishment. 

San Matteo is a small space, and appears much smaller than the former occupant. But it looks a lot nicer, and definitely cleaner. It’s got a warm, cozy feeling with painted bricks and dark wood. There’s a long wooden bar with a handful of small wooden tables. You can even look right into the wood-fired oven and watch the logs turn to embers as your food bakes. 

The menu is Italian, naturally. I didn’t get a good look at anything but the pizza, of course. And that is what I ordered. No slices, but they do offer a 12-inch individual pie (cut into four slices). I scored me a margherita sans basil, because that’s how I roll. It was delicious. Think of a cross between, let’s say Totonno’s, with a crust similar to the old Pastamore, for those who remember it. The cheese is real mozzarella, and the sauce is authentic Italian. The crust is medium-thick (again, like Totonno’s) except for the edges, where it is thick and chewy Like Pastamore (only not as fluffy). Apparently they use the dough to make sandwiches as well, so I’ll try one of those next. 

After I inhaled my pie, I sensed a rapidly approaching food coma. It felt as if my sofa was gently stroking my thigh, saying “come here, big boy, and lay down on me.” The room started spinning, and I was weak in the knees. 

But this was a Pizza Espresso Bar, so naturally I had to try a cup of espresso. Pizza and espresso don’t seem like a good couple to me, which made me skeptical of the whole San Matteo concept. But what I failed to realize is that the name should be interpreted linearly – pizza and then espresso. Which is how I played it. 

At the San Matteo Pizza Espresso Bar, you'll find a valley of gustatory splendor surrounded by mountains of chewy dough, wood-fired to crusty perfection.

The post-pie espresso was spot on. It gave me a chance to sit and digest while I sipped it, instead of running off to do my errands under the tightening grip of a food coma. It also gave me a chance to learn that these guys are authentic Italians. I was about to tell them my favorite Italian joke (How do you silence an Italian guy? Cut off his arms.) when I learned that they are from Naples. At that point I opted to be quiet, polite, and not make eye contact. And I certainly wasn’t going to ask about the Salernitana banner behind the bar – an Italian football club based in Salerno that was relegated to the Serie C (basically the third division) last season. Though in all honesty, I am sure these guys would have been just as friendly if they knew I was an Inter Milan fan. But why take that chance? 

San Matteo is a welcome addition to the neighborhood. The food is good, although a tad expensive (lunch cost me almost $20 for an individual pie, small glass of soda, and espresso). The staff is friendly. In fact, I could have spent all afternoon in there. And, though the place is small (the chef, easily overhearing the waiter’s discussion with another customer, turned around to tell them that he could make a pie like they wanted…no problem, and no need to even shout – despite the fact that they are Italians), it’s comfortable – cozy, as I said. Plus, when winter rolls in, that wood-burning oven will double as a fireplace. Now all they need is a liquor license (October) and some tables outside to take advantage of the corner location.

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